Hey yall,

So yall know, my computer has died. Yea, the CPU burned out. So my visits to the net will now be few and sparse. Sorry guys. But hye, my cell is 315-286-9360. Call me up sometime. Lateh!

I body that thrives, yet I feel nothing.

A mind that sees, yet I can not think.

A concience that speaks, yet falls on deaf ears.

A soul that yerns for life, yet lies still in blood.

Perfect eyes that nothing slips by, yet if only to be blind...

Ears that keep me on guard, yet to live in pure silence...

Muscles capable of grave burdens, yet to have no load to bear...

A desire to protect those whom I love, yet to know nooone...to never have to care...

All I think of as I have layed in bed for the past eight hours are thoughts that force themselves on my mind. I cannot think on my own in silence anymore. When I am not distracted, alone in the silence and the dark, my mind takes over. Thoughts of violence towards those I know, thoughts about suffering, visions of pain of one form or another. I'm starting to lose control.

I'm so tired, yet those keen senses that have kept me alive do not allow me rest. My ears have allowed me to hear an Iraqi sneaking up to take a closer look at our convoy as we held an observation point in Iraq. Yet, when I rest the meer sound of rain is just racket. The breathing of another human being ten feet away is a nuisance. The sound of a fan running by my window is nerve racking. My eyes, perfect vision since I have had them, and are so well at adjusting to both extremes of light and dark, they have allowed me to see what others in Iraq could only spot with some sort of night vision device. But, now when ever they close I still see. My mind races back to the past, what indeed was, what could have been, and what I would love but did not have, and what worse things could have happened. Then to the future thoughts of what if keep forcing themselves to the forefront, with myself only around to check them, and failing miserably. I see things in my mind I do not wish to see. Yet, there are some things that I see that I feel a guilty pleasure of. I know if something I saw were to actually happen, people either many or few would be hurt in one fashion or another even to great extremes. Yet, I feel a smile begin to form at the sides of my face. My sense of touch is so great, that when with a woman the slightest sensation comes around as pure ecstacy, and the very lack of a touch I should expect leads me to become alert, which has kept me alive on many occasions. Yet, as I lie down to rest, if one hair on my skin shifts, my arm itches. If one fly lands on any part of my body, I feel it everywhere. My senses are now becoming my greatest curse. A can see things others cannot, yet they are things I do not wish to see. I can hear whispers that fail to reach others, without choice. I can feel the greatest comfort one man can ever have, the comforting embrace of a loving woman while she is next to you. Yet I cant have that, and instead I have every skin curling sensation that keeps one awake at night.

I'm so tired I want to just quit. I want to rest...I just want so much rest. And above all else...I dont want to be a hinderance to those who I care about back home. Yea...you guys and gals. All of you have plates full. I know this. I have heard many things. If not from you, then from someone else who has known. I know I am going to be an extreme hassle with all the needs I have, and I wont let myself be a reason for yall to be drug down any further. I am reconsidering so many things...I know you all care for me, yet I wonder if it is truely best to come home. To be with everyone again. I am not the same anymore. As unstable as I was before, I have become worse. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm just so tired. I want so much, but I know I do not deserve much if anything of what i ask for from others...I feel ashamed and guilty. I dont know why I'm still typing...

Well now that I have time,

Howdy! Well, it has been a little time since I last came on here and updated. Well, I have begun my seperation procedures from the army. I had my Phase 1 physical today. Vision, hearing, height and weight, urinalysis and bloodwork. AND THE PAPERWORK! Oh my, did I have so many things to write on that questionaire they give us. Everytime one of your answers is about something that isnt good for ur health such as saying yes to constant headaches, you have to provide a short description about the problem in your own words. I needed an "extension" sheet just to fill in all my crap, and the last two questions I was so fed up I answered both saying "I'm done explaining." Yea...they didnt bother me about it...

Work here with rear detatchment isnt that bad. Its usually at ease, we actually have a hard time to get off of work now! We get off everyday at 16:30 (4:30 P.M.). I'm happy bout dat! I had another flip out though. The first thing we had to do was go back to those old barracks we moved out of and move all the furniture to the center of the room. The contractors that were hired by the army for a good paycheck to work there refused to do it because it "wasn't in their contract" they signed. Assholes! Here's the kicker: It was supposed to be a 12-man, one day job. Everyone except me and one other man found a way to jerk off and not work, or just flat out leave the area, and when the contractors told the leadership me and that other soldier were reprimanded with the others! THOSE DICKS! Then, both days the next days the contractors called us saying they needed the furiniture moved in a different fashion! GOD! That third day, I was in a room with the same soldier and two contractors, one man and one woman. They wouldnt stop badgering us to work faster or to work harder or to do this or do that or get outta their way. The woman more than the man, but still both contributed ENOUGH! I snapped. I began flinging every piece of furniture into the walls and doors. The three others ran out and closed the door. By the time I came down, I trashed two bed frames, destroyed two pillows, six shelves, a drawer, a desk, damaged the other desk, two chairs and the fridge...they sent me to my room, and told not to leave for the rest of the day, at all! Fine...just what I wanted. They didnt call a fourth time...

On a brighter note, my roommate is kickass. His name is Kevin Crouch. He is 19 yrs, and is/was a forward observer. He is getting the same chapter as I am, but his symptoms are not NEARLY as severe as mine. Lucky bastard! He has a fiancee named Mandy, and they are in deep love. He has helped me some, and I have helped him some. I can honestly say that I can add him to the growing list of people I can call friend. Just this past weekend, dispite already being in debt, I gave the guy fifty dollars to go visit his fiancee. Without it, he would not have been able to see her. I know how badly I want to go home and the woman I hold somewhere special, so I had to help. I couldn't help myself. I figure if I cant enjoy that great part of life, I should at least ensure that someone else can. I'm such a sap sometimes. Oh well.

I now have the internet back up, obviously, and now will use it to get on AIM again and Xanga and Myspace to talk withchall more often again...HORRAY! I miss you guys and gals a metric ton. All of my family, household and extended, all my friends, and my love. I miss you all. The only thing that makes losing the Army worth while is being able to be back home with all of you again. I still say they should put to some good use on a battlefield. But I guess not in today's world...yea...oh well. I'M COMING HOME! My sergeant said he is trying to get me home around the end of September. Also, I did some work on my seperation chapter, which is Chapter 5-13 under AR 635-200 if you wanna do research on ur own if ur bored. It is under honorable conditions, and I will have education benefits, and no blotter on my record, minus the obvious psychological issues. That helps out my plan for back home that much easier. License, vehicle, college, and part-time job. Thats what I'm huntin for now. Wish me luck with it all.

I'm still having such issues with sleep though. Even if the images aren't nightmares, they still wake me up. If it is too good it wakes me up. I can never have it good anymore in my dreams either. Hell, I had a dream with a beautiful woman, and as my blood starting racing and my heart was pounding, I awoke! GODDAMNIT! I have no real love life, and I can't even dream of one! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT!? AAAHHHH!!!! Oh well...I can always day dream at least, and try to look forward to a future for me with someone special.

I have determined where I am staying to when I come home. My decision may insult or offend some of you. Please understand that my descision does not reflect in anyway about whom I do or do not care about. I care about you all. I just feel that this could be a good move in my life as far as developing skills as an adult. I will be moving in with my cousin Mary. Hopefully, it will only be a few months, and while I'm there I plan on doing whatever I can to help out around the house. Thanks for the offer everyone. It truely makes me realize how much people care for me, and how much yall do. It warms my heart. Thank you

Well, I'm off. I could talk some more, but than what would I have to talk about later, right? Well, comment, e-mail and stuff. I'll see yall later. Take care